Day One, Again
Full Moon. Black hair dye drops would be falling onto my t-shirt right now if I wouldn’t have changed my mind at the last minute. That’s why I now remain calm through the process of decision-making; because I know that just at the very last moment, when my brain has already absorbed all it could in the amount of time given, my mind unveils my true intentions. I’ve always used my hair to liberate something, disguise myself; yet this time I decided not to, considering it may benefit the goal of this, so personally waited, writing journey.
No more masks nor traps.
I must say I waited for this moment for a while, even though I’ve been writing my whole life. Since I was a kid, I kept journals where I shared my precious secrets and specific descriptions of the events that marked my identity; the people surrounding me and my feelings towards others. I shall confess I was a very opinionated creature, rarely not disappointed with the world. Even though I didn’t consider myself lucky because of my extreme way of feeling and how I was constantly affected by other’s words and actions, I now realize that everything helped me strengthen my character, so that I arrive to this shore, ready to endure all aspects of the life I have chosen.
Writing was the only way of freedom I found while living there, in a world of prohibitions. Everything I wanted was wrong: my opinion, unimportant; my desires, a sin. Doing music was a “delusional, pathetic idea”, according to my close relatives. Everything about me was wrong, as claimed by the people around me and my teachers at — of course, the private catholic schools I went. I’ve been accused of being crazy, mental, irreparable, even diabolic. Just because I wanted a different life, because I wasn’t sorry. Because I didn’t naturally feel guilt and fear. I’ve been condemned, did my time, and when I felt ready, I left everything. For a new beginning.
Living in the shadows long enough actually makes the eye see better. Light might blind you when you get out at first, but later everything becomes clear as water. People trick you, you learn. You get faster, smarter. Wittier. It hurts, but that’s how you develop skill. This world is designed so you believe there’s no way out of the lines. But I’ve been alone, very far, and I never looked back. Because everything I needed was myself and my brains. And that, I carry all the time.
I’m starting a degree in Economy and Sociology in two weeks, in a public university in the South of France. My then craziest wishes are now at the palm of my hand. So I want to document the evolution of my thinking, while I reveal my “past life” experiences, that lead me to find purpose.
Might be helpful if there’s a “younger Julieta” out there, dreaming of change.
.::.
